We Like Sportz: A Songfic
by Sayonara7Sauce
Summary: "It looks pretty full out there." Kukai leaned towards the crack in the curtain Nagihiko made and whistled quietly. "We're next, aren't we? I don't want to do this." A crack-ish songfic. T for language and drug references. Not slash. Enjoy. . .


**A/n: Yeah, I should've updated my other story, but I'm a bit stuck on how to finish it, and I **_**really **_**had to write this. It's a crack-fic, and a songfic, all in one! Um, I wanted to post it **_**now **_**because since I'm not that popular anyway, this won't bring me down much XD And . . . I do not own anything.**

We Like Sportz

By the Lonely Island

Performed by Nagihiko and Kukai

O~~O~~O

Kukai and Nagihiko grumbled and moaned all morning at what Utau had wanted them to do.

It was ridiculous.

It was embarrassing.

It was downright _wrong._

Nonetheless, Utau wanted it; therefore she got it. She had decided to go out for the school's musical, and signed everybody up with her. Kukai told her this wasn't High School Musical; he was _not _doing this. He had figured that was the end of it, and on audition's day he was quite satisfied that he didn't have enough time to memorize a letter.

So about five minutes before first bell, Utau marched up to Kukai and Nagihiko, who were standing by their lockers, and shoved a copy of googled lyrics into both of their hands.

"You don't need to memorize it. Be at the stage ten minutes after school. Neither of you have anything else going on, so no excuses." Nagihiko and Kukai were stunned into silence that she checked their schedules for that day. They had both planned on skipping for some appointment, but now _that_ plan went out the window. They averted their eyes and studied the sheet.

"Utau, why did you pick this song?" Obviously this was distasteful to Nagihiko as he wrinkled his nose. "Really, I would have picked something from the prince of enka, Kagawa Masashi-sama."

Whilst Kukai had no idea who that was, Utau was quick with her final judgment. "No. None of his pieces would work in this context. Besides, his songs are solos, and I wanted you two to have a duet so you're not uncomfortable auditioning."

The school bell rang, and before she walked off to her choir class, Utau airily waved her hand. "You know, if you're not there, I _will _find you."

Kukai glanced down at his sheet and back up at Nagihiko. "Okay, so who's the Lonely Island?"

Nagihiko rubbed his face and sighed tiredly. "You'll find out."

O~~O~~O

Nagihiko stood in the long line for pizza lunch when Kukai jumped in next to him.

"Hey, no cutting!" Some kid in the back shouted.

Kukai waved off the grumbles of the people and their stomachs as he gripped Nagihiko's shoulder. Slightly shaking him, Kukai rambled, "Man, I looked that shit up during study hall. We can't do that. Doesn't Utau understand that guys are _not-"_

Nagihiko picked up his tray and nodded. "Exactly, Kukai. At least the weekend is after it."

Kukai dropped two greasy slices onto his tray and grimly added, "So's basketball practice."

O~~O~~O

After. School. Back. Stage.

Nagihiko split open and peeped behind the red velvet curtain to see the back of Amu's head stuttering out the beginning of the song Utau had picked for her. The stage was well light and Nagihiko could see beyond to the plush seats, where the first several rows were filled with the other auditioners. He could see the judges: one he knew to be the drama teacher, another Utau's choir director, and the third one was Nikaido.

"It looks pretty full out there."

Kukai leaned towards the crack Nagihiko made and whistled quietly. "We're next, aren't we? I don't want to do this. Look at Amu."

After watching Amu fail utterly, the drama teacher was about to cut her off, but a diamond clip replaced her previous red 'X's and Amu character changed with her fourth and most elusive chara, thus letting her shine. The two boys let the curtain fall back.

"Kukai, Nagihiko." Utau rushed up to them and whispered urgently. "I just found out that you can't use swear words in your piece, and no drug references either. But you are allowed to replace the words with something better."

"Shit, Utau. Tell us that now." Kukai muttered.

"That's exactly what I'm talking about. None of that. Do either of you have a pen to write with?"

Yaya walked over with her clipboard. Grinning widely, she said, "Nagi, Kukai, you're next! Blow them away! Oh and I'll take your CD for you."

Utau handed the CD over and asked for Yaya's pencil. Upon receiving it though, she was left behind while Yaya led the boys to the stage.

To herself, Utau swore. _Well, it was a good song when I picked it for them. _She lifted the curtain and watched the chaos unfold.

O~~O~~O

Clutching their sheets, Nagihiko and Kukai shuffled out onto the center of the stage. Either all of the eyes in the audience shifted to take in the basketball stars, or they were closed to memorize their own audition, mouthing their lyrics. His seat behind the judges, Tadase gave them a small thumbs up.

When the music started, Kukai realized that he was as nervous as hell. He glanced over to Nagihiko, whom Kukai considered normally does well with performing on the court or in dance. _Yeah, that face is scared shitless. We are not singers. _Nagihiko's typical serene grace was left backstage, and now he looked like a ghost. Pale and wide-eyed, Kukai thought he must look the same.

Kukai coughed a little, and used his right hand as a phone, held up to his ear. "Brrrrriiiiinng. Brriiiiiinng." He felt stupid already.

Nagihiko raised his own hand as a phone and answered. "Hello?"

"Hi. Doyouwannagotoapartywithme?" Kukai could see people frown as they tried to un-jumble his words.

"No. The game's on." Nagihiko's words fell flat in one of the worst monotone voices ever. His eyes were glued on the sheet. These next two minutes were going to be _long_.

O~~O~~O

Kukai shrugged, but Nagihiko was unsure if to translate that into "Whatever, this is gonna suck, get it done with" or "Hey audience, Nagihiko sucks, but that's not really my fault now, is it?"

"Oh, I almost _forgot, _I'll be right there." Kukai's sarcasm was faint. Their hands fell from the phone form as the refrain came up.

In an almost chant, their drone was particularly awful to Nagihiko's ears. _At least the song's suppose to sound bad. Utau might've been onto something. "_We like sportz and we don't care who knows."

Nagihiko weakly pretended to shoot a basketball. "We're shooting hoops-"

"-To the Super Bowl!" Nagihiko glanced alarmingly over to Kukai, who might have gotten too into it, by the way his hand was pointing behind the audience. Kukai grinned sheepishly at Nagihiko. _Is he . . . _trying _to be funny? I guess it's better than looking like complete losers._

O~~O~~O

_Whew, I almost missed my line. Oh good. Nagi's solo now._

_O~~O~~O_

Trying not to let his face freeze, Nagihiko's moved his mouth to enunciate every word. "The game-e is start-ing, ev-ver-y one is here. I got my snacks. My friends _(script: point to Kukai)_ and a . . ." _Beer. _"Juice box."

There was a collective giggle in the audience. Tadase gave another reassuring thumbs up. _Okay, we're doing well. Oh shit. _The giggles collectively stopped when Nagihiko fumbled and dropped his sheets of lyrics. Quickly getting on one knee, his hands chased after the runaway papers.

Kukai looked over and saw Nagihiko's woes. "Just two normal guys, hanging out, having fun. Right guy number two?" Nagihiko missed his line " . . . Yeah guy number one." Nagihiko felt heat rise to his face as Kukai had to answer his own question.

Abruptly standing up, Nagihiko glanced over to Kukai and nodded. _I'll be okay._

"E,"

"To the S,"

"To the P,"

"To the N, is all I watch 'cause I'm the _man." Yeah. I am the man. _Nagihiko was glad he wasn't auditioning as a girl: what if he got a girl's role and had to kiss a guy or something? _Wait, what's the musical this year anyway?_

"if my team loses I'll be mean all night. If you tell me to relax we'll get in a fight . . . grrr."

_Okay, so Kukai said his lines . . . right. Oh, mine now. "_Watching sportz with girls is a pain." Nagihiko and Kukai rolled their eyes and met the approval of many teenage boys in the audience. Some stood up and expressed it in yells, most clapped. "They don't know the rules there's no time to explain." _Rima. Seriously, that girl . . ._

_"_Singles," Kukai awkwardly swung a bat while holding his papers.

"-Doubles," Nagihiko knew not to awkwardly swing his arms. Instead, he looked lame standing there.

"-Triples," Still awkward.

"-Home runs." Nagihiko learned his lesson. He used one arm.

"For the celebration I'll shoot my. . . my. . ." Nagihiko looked down at his script to see what Kukai was struggling with. _Gun._

Kukai didn't even bother coming up with anything reasonable. "My uh . . . something."

O~~O~~O

Mail "Matt" Jeevas had no idea why he was sitting here, inside this auditorium, behind some blonde kid, watching two boys sing about sports and the innuendo with that song. One minute he was at his apartment with Mels, next: here. Whatever, he might as well kick back and enjoy the show. Matt leaned forward and pulled out his lighter to start a cigarette when it fumbled forward in his hand. _Aww shit._

O~~O~~O

Nagihiko knew he had to be careful with this line. _C***hole_ was _not_ a word he wanted to slip out. Jeez, he could get in trouble. "I like my friend, he's a real guy's guy. He not a loudmouth like that _loser," _Below the stage, behind the judges and three rows back, Tadase remained completely oblivious to the flame flickering on his shoulder, "_Tadase!" _Nagihiko shouted and pointed to the fire.

Quite a few people laughed at that, and Tadase frowned in hurt, but then Kukai shouted, "Tadase! No, you're on _fire!"_

Some of the slower people still found that funny. A man behind Tadase said something in his ear. Eyes alarmed, Tadase stood up and started batting his shoulder.

"Fire!"

"He really is on fire!"

"Ahh!"

Pandemonium ensured.

Many people who didn't understand the size of the flame tried to shove others out of their way. Nearly everyone around Tadase cleared out before you could say _It's out already. _Tadase's shirt was ruined, but overall he was a-okay. Kukai and Nagihiko stood, seeing it all, but not completely understanding where the fire started. Their song continued playing without them as they watched Nikaido jog up to Tadase and escort him out of the auditorium. The students who remained craned their necks to watch him leave from their seats. One redhead wearing orange goggles indiscreetly strolled out the back door, lighting a cigarette, while the remaining adults tried to gain control over the terrified ones who had tried to flee but were too slow so they were still there. Fortunately the sprinklers did not set off.

Once all of the judges were settled, the drama director leaned forward. "Thank you for alerting us. You may continue."

Kukai shrugged again to Nagihiko. "Where the song is?"

"It'd be your line."

Kukai switched pages and nodded. He coughed to either clear his throat or out of embarrassment. "I drink . . . orange juice 'cause I like the taste. You think it's bitter but I think it's great."

"I also drink orange juice and we smoke . . . nothing. Don't believe me? Smell our cars." _Hey, that actually makes sense. _Nagihiko grinned.

"I'm team captain, and I choose you." _Sounds like we're playing Pokemon, or something. Doesn't America say that in Axis Powers? These lyrics pale in comparison to Kagawa Masashi-sama's._

O~~O~~O

"I'm the other team captain and I choose you too!" _Ha, Nagi's a Pokémon. Oh shoot, there goes my last page. Oh well. _

O~~O~~O

_Almost to the refrain . . . _"We scare the other team with our mad dog faces-"

"-What the?" Kukai raised an eyebrow. Why he wanted to bring this up now, Nagihiko needed to be enlightened later. Now he wanted this to be finished.

"_Yeah_, like _what_ what what what what. _What_."

"What?"

"-What what what what. What." Nagihiko finished slightly peeved at Kukai's sudden lack of cooperation.

"We like sportz and we don't care who knows."

"Throw me the baseball." Off stage, Utau tossed the sport ball to Kukai."

"Now toss me the big skin." Utau threw the football, but it flew above Nagihiko's head, veered off course and rolled offstage. Nagihiko's hands remained open and empty.

Kukai tried to drop the baseball without it bouncing away, but it rolled off anyway. "Now feed me the rock." He started dribbling it, and it drowned out Nagihiko's last line.

"Now give m. . ."

The music fell silent. Kukai stopped dribbling.

The audience stared. This audience of sophisticated drama students, members of orchestra class, choir girls, some self-centered Saaya characters, and Nikaido had watched these two boys plunder through this like two delirious elephants swaying and weaving through the watering hole, eventually tumbling into the mud.

-Of gold.

The students, realizing their audition had ended, enthusiastically bashed their hands together in what is commonly known as clapping. A small trickle at first, it quickly escaladed into the roar only several rows of people could make. Nagihiko looked around uneasily towards offstage, where Utau and Yaya grinned and waved at them. Realizing everything was okay, he grinned too, and turned to high-five Kukai. They waited for the judges to finish writing, but the drama director only looked up.

"Thank you. Next, Mashiro Rima." _Yeah, Utau signed _everyone _up, didn't she?_

The boys gratefully left the spotlight.

O~~O~~O

Upon entering the sweaty locker room, Kukai and Nagihiko received some slaps on their backs from their team mates."

"Ha, I heard about that, guys. Wicked."

"Jeez I didn't know you two were into that sort of thing."

"You sang a duet?"

Shutting his locker, Kukai grinned to Nagihiko, "At least we'll never have to do _that _again."

Nagihiko nodded. "Now give _me _the rock."

Kukai face-palmed. "Er . . . Nagi, that was lame."

O~~O~~O

The weekend slipped past, like it always does, and it was Monday. After school, Nagihiko strolled through the hallway with one backpack strap on his shoulder, when he saw Utau, Amu, Tadase, and Kukai, amongst others, surrounding the bulletin board.

Approaching, he inquired politely to Rima, "Are these the results of the auditions?"

Customarily, she gave him the cold shoulder. Instead Amu grinned over to him from next to the board. "Yeah! Guess what? We-"

"No! I thought it's obvious that I _can't _sing! Why, Utau, why?" Kukai's hands were planted on either side of the results, and he moaned in despair at the sheet. Nagihiko gently pushed aside the surrounding people as he gazed upon Kukai's misery.

O~~O~~O

**Fall Play 2011**

_**High School Musical**_

**Troy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Souma Kukai**

**Gabriella . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Hinamori Amu**

**Sharpay . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Hoshina Utau**

**Ryan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Hotori Tadase**

**Taylor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Mashiro Rima**

**Chad . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Fujisaki Nagihiko**

O~~O~~O

Utau looked at the list in disappointment. She frowned, "Kukai, I needed you to be Ryan. Why'd you have to get so good all of the sudden?"

**Fin.**

**A/n: I had to look **_**forever **_**to find out Nagihiko's favorite singer. Watching random episodes and stuff. I'm so proud I found it. He's the prince of enka, Kagawa Masashi-sama! I have proof too. Episode 13! Okay, please review, I'd like to know your opinion on this . . . monstrosity. Oh and Matt from Death Note had a cameo in this! Review for him! Bye :D**


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